so here's

without the defensiveness of there

i was constantly afraid

that you'd want to leave me again

so instead

of actually talking with you

i'd think of what i should say or what you wanted me to say

or what would please you


i'm not good at

and say that

instead of what i was thinking

and instead of just enjoying being with you and listening to you

like i used to

i constantly tried to think of what i could be doing wrong or what could be making you happier

same with the sex


it was amazing because all that existed for me

when we were making love

was us,


i never thought about what i was doing or if i was doing something wrong or could have been doing something better

i just thought about how wonderful it was to be that close and together with you


then after we had broken up and i was worried that it would end again

i just thought about if i was doing ok and trying not to finish too soon and if i should change something

because i wanted to make it really good, because i was nervous about you leaving me again

and it was not good

i didn't trust you


that's probably why things were so bad

at least part of why


i'm sorry

Moi, j'avais jamais rien dit. Rien

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