i don't really know why i decided to do this,

as some kind of experiment, i guess, but

today i decided that i would imagine, as vividly as possible, cuddling with every single human being i encountered

how it would feel to be that near and what we'd say

and how it would smell, sound, taste

regardless of ugliness, weight, smelliness, hairiness, age, gender, personality, or my relationship to the person

specifically refraining from turning it into any kind of sexual thought about people i was actually attracted to

the same imagined platonic physical comforting for everyone

i was at work for a while, so there were a lot of customers i generally wouldn't feel comfortable being within a few meters of

and at times the images in my head disgusted me, and saddened me

and at other times they seemed ok, or even happy

or just plain awkward

sometimes, the possibility of some strange shared fleeting moment of relief from sad loneliness

along with some kind of deeper understanding of one another's mind and soul

is what i thought might occur

i kind of wonder if i was behaving differently to everyone as i was doing this

it didn't seem like it to me

and i'm sure this was probably a really fucking creepy thing to do

i feel extremely nervous about writing it down

and i usually can write anything i think down without a second thought

but i'm sure everyone's thought about doing creepier things to random strangers than holding them in their arms


i felt exhausted by the end of the day

for some reason

i also did actually cuddle with a girl i work with

for a couple short periods of time

and that was um fine

but there were certainly no strange shared fleeting moments

Moi, j'avais jamais rien dit. Rien

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