so, i just paid the tickets
because my only defence was
'please yr. honor yr. majesty find it
in your love-filled compassionate
heart, in your beautiful golden soul,
to let me not pay all these tickets i'm too poor and i didn't know'
and the thought of having that conversation
made me feel kind of sick
in my stomach

a little pukey

instead,

i'm driving in the hot sun with the
heat on full blast 'cause i'm scared
my rad hose is gonna burst again
it's ok - i've been freezing all morning

i get out of the car and wipe my brow
with dirty hands

it's gonna to be covered in acne
in a couple of days

if there was a tree nearby
i'd take it
make it my own
carve some initials into it

the silver sheep
quiver and i
don't know why
we don't all give up

never grow old

i get on the train
and it's cold again

an man on the train
is wearing a shirt with a cow
on it with a light saber
in its mouth
it says
'cow wars'
at the bottom
he asks if i know where someplace
is, but i don't understand
the name of the place
so i tell him it might be the next
stop, but that i'm not too sure
he gets off

i hope it was close

downtown, i ask for some pesos
'MEXICAN?!?!?!' 'yeah, mexican
pesos'
and i think about this boy i knew
from columbia who was on mushrooms
and decided to see how fast
he could drive and flipped his car
four times and ended up upside down
on the other side of the meridian

i miss him for a minute

my wallet can barely close

i buy a pen and then don't use it
95 cents
blue

the bums all seem to be making signs
lately with something half clever
written on them
and for some reason i can't give a guy
waving a sign at me any change
and fuck the guy playing that rock
me like a hurricane song, too

this one dude got all my coins 'cause he
had 9 layers of clothing on in that heat
and said I'M SO GLAD IT STOPPED RAINING
WE FINALLY GOT SOME SUNSHINE IT'S BEAUTIFUL I'M JUST 35 CENTS SHORT FOR A COFFEE

three jackets
white and red on top
i feel like kissing him
open mouthed

he'd maybe stab me

back on the train it's cramped
packed and i've got nothing
to hold on to

i'm always falling over

i can feel the blood
in my hands make my veins move
so i make fists

there's a group of girls maybe
14 by the door beside me
and they get excited when we
stop in front of a bunch of
boys in shirts with no sleeves
and and strong jaws
the door opens and they say
something i miss that pisses
the girls off and decide
to wait for the next train
'THEY'RE THE ONES MISSING OUT'
says the chubbiest one

i'm wondering what it would be like
to die at sea
if i could do it peacefully
or if i'd fall apart

off the train and outside a spanish
woman drops a piece of paper
and i look down her shirt while
she picks it up
she notices and smirks at me
i shrug
embarassed
about how creepy i am
she smiles and rolls her eyes
and seeing that smile
is so much better
than seeing her boobs
the first true smile i've seen all day
the first true thing i've seen
in this place

even the birds singing
sounds fake here

anyway
i pull some marlboro
lights out of my pocket (yeah, i'm smoking
your brand,
gorgeous)
and light one
it doesn't taste as good
as i thought it would
but i'm feeling dizzy
by the fourth puff

my bones are vice grips
i am made of bones
tell me your stories
about blood
and i won't believe them

i catch up to the same group of girls
from the train at a red light
and they decide to walk in front of the traffic
i decide i might as well join them
if everyone is gonna have to stop anyway

a hawk is flying overhead

angry screaming and honking and FUCK!s
and CUNTS! and ASSHOLES!
start coming out of this suv
i pass it and throw my lit cigarette
in his window without even looking up

imagining some banker with a poison
pen that he uses to steal homes
from poor families

or maybe just a bitter lonely soul in
a hurry
on his way to the hospital to see
the woman who left him on a cold day
in february years ago
to see her one last time
and maybe just hold her hand
because he knows she never found
anyone else either

either way i'm hoping he doesn't
pull a u-turn and pull up onto the curb
and get out
ready to fight


i make fists again

just in case

the traffic's too bad
even if he wanted to, though

i don't light another cigarette

i'm so dehydrated
but i don't think i
can face a human being

to buy a drink
they are all too beautiful
and terrible

dolphins die and the
water ripples in random
patterns around their
floating corpses

i have to face one anyway
in front of this store
full of arab imports
an old man says
'THEY'VE GOT SOME EXPENSIVE STUFF IN THERE'
'it looks like it'
'SEE THAT UMBRELLA?!'
'yeah'
'$170'
'that's a lot'
'MY WIFE HAD FIVE OF THEM'
'my gr-'
'SHE'S DEAD NOW'
'oh
i'm sorry'
'HEY YOU KNOW THE MEAT PLACE OVER THERE'
'no'
'YEAH YOU DO IT'S RIGHT OVER THERE'
'ok'
'THEY HAVE FREE HORS D'OEUVRES SAMPLES AND I
JUST WENT THERE AND ATE SO MANY THAT
NOW I DON'T HAVE TO COOK ANYTHING'
'that's smart'
'I GO THERE EVERY NIGHT!
I NEVER COOK!'

i didn't believe him
i'm faithless

the air is shaped like heaven now
and i can't find a god damn payphone

so my love is a prayer
but we are not gods
who know how
to handle
worship

i'd carve your initials into
the same ancient tree

and the it would be
the only one of us that's holy
bleeding sweetness
and bowing slowly

tired
it's always windy in this city

Moi, j'avais jamais rien dit. Rien

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