so today i was picking up some clothes from the drycleaners

and the drycleaners always maekes me think of death


makes me think of a couple days after my dad died

we cleaned all through his room and it was a mess of dirty old clothes empty bottles papers soaked with booze and other

stuff that was his and now was no one's or i guess ours and after going through everything and sorting we had

realized there was nothing in his room suitable to bury him in

but my mom knew he had recently bought a suit for his parents 50th wedding anniversary (that he didn't make it to

(someone found him passed unconiscious in a chair in the airport(

he had no socks on, and later he told me he didn't have any in his suitcase either he was just planning on buying a bunch when he got into regina)

he was sent to the hospital that day))

so i went to all the dry cleaners in the area

and there are three within five minutes of my house

for some reason

and at the third one i kept trying under different names his, my mom's, our old home number, his new phone number finally it was under his roommate's name

and she got the suit and told me how much it cost and i paid her

and she asked if a i wanted a receipt

and i said 'ummmmmmm, no'

the m's got smaller as time passed

and she said, 'ok, i just thought maybe if you were going to get him to pay you back'

and i exhaled quickly through my nose

in what was sort of a pained near-laugh

if that makes sense

or if it doesn't

at her thinking my dead father would pay me back for his drycleaning bill

and i stood there trying to think of

the best way to explain to her why

her suggestion of why i might have

wanted the receipt was completely absurd

for a little while

looking at her

until i finally realized that i didn't

need to say anything at all

Moi, j'avais jamais rien dit. Rien

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