i cut off my hands and feet so that

we'd only have 41

and then you started to care

we're riding, i'm driving us to his house in my mom's car, so he can change,

it's nearby, i'm driving slow

and i tell him i think i'm going to buy another car this week

he says he wants to get a cavalier, but he says 'cav' instead of cavalier

and another car that i can't remember

but first he needs to get his learner's licence

'you don't have your learner's yet?'

'yeah, but there's reasons'

and he tells me he's tried to kill himself three times since i've known him

'do you remember that one week where i was missing?'

'um, no, sorry'

i ask him what happened

and i'm wondering more why he tried, but he tells me what saved his life

the first time he cut his wrists while his mom was home, and she saved him

the second time he took 27 sleeping pills, but then his dad phoned and he answered

and he came to in the hospital

they were putting some thick black tar stuff in his mouth

to stop his body from absorbing more of the pills

he said it tasted worse than shit

he doesn't talk about the third time

we get to his house

his cat doesn't like me petting him

so i laugh when he gets caught in a paper bag's handle

on the walls there's an alanis morisette poster, a lamborghini poster, and a poster of jesus that says something or other about jesus with an exclamation mark at the end of the sentence

there's also many pictures of his ex-girlfriend/bestfriend all around

his one love that he'll always love

even when she's not there

while he changes i'm wishing i got a hold of this girl i wanted to go to the casino with

he's going to paint the room blue-grey

blue is a good colour for rooms

'not blue-grey?'

mostly just the blue part of the blue-grey

at the pub i sit and drink a beer while he copies out song lyrics he's written

onto a new piece of paper to give to me

complaining about the poor light

and apologizing for his handwriting

he tells me he showed one to a woman at work and she said they're beautiful

i'm really hoping to see they're brilliant and beautiful

and then i tell him they're brilliant and beautiful

but i'm disappointed

i wanted his words to be true

he asks me what i think will happen to the world in ten years

and i start rambling about the eschaton and the mayan calendar and i'm sure he's wishing he asked anything else

there's only four other people in the place and they're wasted

a guy in his late thirties comes over and asks me to dance

so i get up and dance, figuring this is some kind of dare from his friends

we turn ourselves around and around three times holding hands and our other hands on each other's shoulders

and i'm thinking this is too long of a dance and he presses closer

i back away and he says

'do you know this song?'

'no i never heard it before'

'are you sure?'

'yeah i don't know what it is'

and the guy says thanks for the dance and goes back and sits down with his friends laughing

i sit down at the table and my friend says he can't believe i danced with that guy

'well i wasn't gonna be mean', i said

he tells me a 31 year old man tried to pick him up at work the other week

'did you break his heart?'

'no i got his card, i figure if i'm ever really broke and need smokes or something i can call him'

the guy's business on the card is for walking rich people's dogs for them and picking up their shit

drinkin' another beer before we go,

we both agree that that would be a great job

and we'd quit ours in a second

he starts telling about how this girl stood him up for a date

and then to make himself feel better he mentions

that his ex-girlfriend called that weekend and said while she was sleeping at her new boyfriend's house

she dreamt about him

and i think that if they're still together, in ten years and maybe past then, he'll still only ever call him 'her new boyfriend'

Moi, j'avais jamais rien dit. Rien

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