i cut off my hands and feet so that|
we'd only have 41
and then you started to care
we're riding, i'm driving us to his house in my mom's car, so he can change,
it's nearby, i'm driving slow
and i tell him i think i'm going to buy another car this week
he says he wants to get a cavalier, but he says 'cav' instead of cavalier
and another car that i can't remember
but first he needs to get his learner's licence
'you don't have your learner's yet?'
'yeah, but there's reasons'
and he tells me he's tried to kill himself three times since i've known him
'do you remember that one week where i was missing?'
'um, no, sorry'
i ask him what happened
and i'm wondering more why he tried, but he tells me what saved his life
the first time he cut his wrists while his mom was home, and she saved him
the second time he took 27 sleeping pills, but then his dad phoned and he answered
and he came to in the hospital
they were putting some thick black tar stuff in his mouth
to stop his body from absorbing more of the pills
he said it tasted worse than shit
he doesn't talk about the third time
we get to his house
his cat doesn't like me petting him
so i laugh when he gets caught in a paper bag's handle
on the walls there's an alanis morisette poster, a lamborghini poster, and a poster of jesus that says something or other about jesus with an exclamation mark at the end of the sentence
there's also many pictures of his ex-girlfriend/bestfriend all around
his one love that he'll always love
even when she's not there
while he changes i'm wishing i got a hold of this girl i wanted to go to the casino with
he's going to paint the room blue-grey
blue is a good colour for rooms
mostly just the blue part of the blue-grey
at the pub i sit and drink a beer while he copies out song lyrics he's written
onto a new piece of paper to give to me
complaining about the poor light
and apologizing for his handwriting
he tells me he showed one to a woman at work and she said they're beautiful
i'm really hoping to see they're brilliant and beautiful
and then i tell him they're brilliant and beautiful
but i'm disappointed
i wanted his words to be true
he asks me what i think will happen to the world in ten years
and i start rambling about the eschaton and the mayan calendar and i'm sure he's wishing he asked anything else
there's only four other people in the place and they're wasted
a guy in his late thirties comes over and asks me to dance
so i get up and dance, figuring this is some kind of dare from his friends
we turn ourselves around and around three times holding hands and our other hands on each other's shoulders
and i'm thinking this is too long of a dance and he presses closer
i back away and he says
'do you know this song?'
'no i never heard it before'
'are you sure?'
'yeah i don't know what it is'
and the guy says thanks for the dance and goes back and sits down with his friends laughing
i sit down at the table and my friend says he can't believe i danced with that guy
'well i wasn't gonna be mean', i said
he tells me a 31 year old man tried to pick him up at work the other week
'did you break his heart?'
'no i got his card, i figure if i'm ever really broke and need smokes or something i can call him'
the guy's business on the card is for walking rich people's dogs for them and picking up their shit
drinkin' another beer before we go,
we both agree that that would be a great job
and we'd quit ours in a second
he starts telling about how this girl stood him up for a date
and then to make himself feel better he mentions
that his ex-girlfriend called that weekend and said while she was sleeping at her new boyfriend's house
she dreamt about him
and i think that if they're still together, in ten years and maybe past then, he'll still only ever call him 'her new boyfriend'
Moi, j'avais jamais rien dit. Rien