my mom tells me there weren't very many people in church today

last night i stopped at the liquor store on my way to this party

and there were two women there

fat, in their thirties, kind of pretty


a case of budweiser, and bunch of those body buzz things

carrying videos, i'm guessing they were going to get drunk and watch them together

seemed kind of depressing

but probably not as depressing as my night would be

and i'm not even fat or in my thirties, yet

as i'm driving to the party, i start to think about the real reason i stopped drinking for a while

and since that's all gone to shit, there's not really any reason left

i decide that i'll eventually drink myself to death

it seems easy

beck is in the tape deck

he says

"don't let it turn you into the things you hate the most"

so i stop thinking for a bit

a lot later, this girl is complaining to a few of us about this guy who hit on her

and she breaks down

starts crying, cause the guy was attacking her absent boyfriend

"i mean we've been through a lot, he hasn't had a job for three months, and he's been really depressed and not eating or leaving the apartment and he's lost 50 pounds"

(i touch her arm with two fingers)

"but i shouldn't tell you this, it's not your problem, that's why i pay a therapist"

i try to be kind, but fuck anyone who would rather talk about their problems to a therapist than to someone they know

(and fuck people who can afford to keep a nice apartment in downtown vancouver, and a car while they're unemployed for three months)

i need a place out in the country, just for the night skies

my friend tells me about how amazing the northern lights were out there the other night

i tell him to call me next time he can see them, so i can come out

when i drink, i never stop until i start vomiting

i blacked out for a bit

in the morning i am the absent minded professor

suit unbuttoned tie loose around my neck shirt untucked and stained

my favourite days are ones when the snow is melting

the snow is melting today

my stomach aches, though

leonard cohen is in the tape deck

he says

"the rain falls down on last year's man"

and a few drops of rain land on my windshield

i look up

and there's one small cloud in the bright blue sky

yeah, i know, i thought it was pretty ridiculous, too

Moi, j'avais jamais rien dit. Rien

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