sometimes, writing here, i feel like seymour hoffman's character in happiness

where he's making those obscene phonecalls

trying to get himself off

and he just needs to know someone is on the other end for it to happen

he doesn't care how they react, it's only for himself

but then there's a woman who's actually interested by his call

and he's terrified but eventually agrees to meet her

but when he does he doesn't understand what the fuck she could possibly want

he doesn't say anything and slowly inches toward her

until she says "this isn't going to work" and gets up and leaves

'cause she realizes he's just some lonely pathetic dude who doesn't know what's going on and just happened to accidentally do something that seemed like more to her than what it was.

take out all the sex from that

and it's pretty much how i feel when people react to this

it's important to me to think that there are some people who read it

but i don't care if anyone likes my stupid internet diary

and i'm not trying to reach anyone or please anyone

it's completely by accident if i do

i'm just trying to get myself off

in some strange non-sexual, maybe spiritual, maybe just psychological, way

and when someone contacts me i always feel like there's something expected

more than the dumb nothing i am

usually it makes me feel so weird, creepy and empty

'cept for a couple times

but i don't know what the difference is with those people

Moi, j'avais jamais rien dit. Rien

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