there have always been plumbing problems with this place

this morning the toilet flooded

and i spent an hour cleaning up shit

and piss and getting the toilet fixed

i didn't think of it as terrible or bad luck until later

i just thought that it was going to set me back an hour in the things i wanted to do

it was when my friend was telling me that he's been really frustrated lately

that nothing's been going right for him

that he thinks he's going to snap and beat the shit out of someone

that he's becoming more disillusioned with humans in general

he told me he thought that people were

generally good on some level and were all instinctively good to each other

and life itself usually turned out fairly well for most of us

until the past few years started to change his mind

and he was angry that people were selfish, stupid and cruel

and was angry about life ending up dull, lonely, pointless and full of pain

and i thought of how the morning didn't even phase me

and how when i was fourteen my parents didn't even pretend to love each other anymore

my dad started drinking more and more

and my mom kept trying to act like nothing was wrong

i would stay up with him at night to keep him from going into her room

he would tell me he hated his life

his job was horrible and pointless

his parents beat the shit out of him

his brother died when he was little

his parents took out their anger on him

they loved his sister more

and made no secret of it

his wife and children were worthless

i didn't object

i never said anything

he wanted to kill himself, but he thought suicide was shameful

he wanted me to kill him

my mom kept trying to pretend things were normal while slowly losing her sanity and becoming more and more depressed

she had had some dream of having a loving happy home

and married him because she thought he'd be a great father

gave up teaching to take care of the family, because that's what she really cared about

we were always worried about money

school was hell

as it probably was for most people

i couldn't talk to people

and mostly didn't want to

no one really wanted to talk to me anyway

it seemed to me that everyone's life was just

disappointment on top hurt on top of ugliness on top of pain on top of pain on top of suffering

and like someone better with words than me said

i was tired of hurting


then things started to get kind of bad

my dad was hospitalized due to alcohol induced seizures

he went to rehab for two weeks

(tried to sneak away for a drink on his visiting day after the first week)

he ended up quitting/losing his job

getting arrested for renting a car and then never bringing it back

my mom got breast cancer

my dad said he wanted to get separated

we couldn't afford our house anymore anyway

so we moved to a townhouse without him

my mom went through chemo

my dad drank himself to death

my brother and i hugged each other and cried for a few minutes one night

the bank tried to repossess our place the day after he died

so we had to worry about coming up with and getting them a few thousand dollars

while we mourned

my mom was on antidepressants at the funeral

she whispered to me that she couldn't feel anything

and now she still breaks down about him

she is lonely and worried

i am still working the same shitty job i have been for the past five years

i still live at home

i fell in love with a girl

she broke my heart a few times

betrayed me a couple

and had someone else's child

(still, she's my best friend)

these are just a few things before i start to get boring

and all of this is not to complain or whine about it

it's to say that this is how life is

and probably how it's going to be

that's what i wanted to tell my friend

and that it's how i came to realize

that you have to just be amazed at the few times

when something beautiful actually does happen

or when someone actually commits a selfless act of kindness

today, i was fucked over and had a couple more things that had given me some kind of hope

taken away

and that's ok but

now i am asking someone,

not necessarily you,

to be kind

Moi, j'avais jamais rien dit. Rien

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