'dad, i had a dream.'

out on the porch, looking up
there is a jet crossing
the night sky. its
trail of white shines against
the blackness
i can hear leaves that are
miles away rustling in the wind
and sense by sound where each one is
my cigarette glows red so slowly
with each inhalation
the trees sway

a man lives across the street
my friend has to go over there most
days and tell him to shut his car
lights off. he's a good man, but
he got old and the part of his brain
that knew to shut the lights off
when you get out of the car is just
shot. not there. and my friend always
tells him he should get a buzzer or
a bell working in his car to remind him.
but he won't. that's understandable.

i can see the glow of headlights on
the hood of a car in the street get
brighter and the sound of an engine
but no car ever comes. i feel like
sitting so i lean back against the
house and stretch out my legs.

and i think about how there's so much
light in the sky when we say it's dark.
there are all those stars and of course
the moon. there was a new moon a few
days ago and it's getting bigger. and
how that light is always there, even
during the day - it just can't be
separated from the overall brightness and i think about how there's
so much love in my life as i look at
those stars and, look i'll be honest,
there are a lot of mushrooms in my
belly and brain, so i'm convinced that this
one star is going to go out, but i realize it's
only twinkling. that as far as i'm concerned
it will always be there. all this light
all this love. and it's only when
it's nighttime that i can appreciate it.
only then do i understand
how important it is. and how it never goes away.
and there's that new moon, so beautiful
and getting bigger. it makes me want to
cry. i can't take my eyes off of it.

i feel like standing again. the trees
are doubling. pine needles are rippling
rhythmically. i'm making strange noises
with my lips that sound like they're
echoing all throught the universe. all
through eternity. i stand and i do miss
her. i stand and i think about how much
i can love someone i'll never really be
close to. i just love knowing someone
that beautiful exists. not that she's
so beautiful, but that she's the only
one i know who is beautiful in that
particular way.

if there is one wonderful thing about
being a man, it is being able to stand
and piss outdoors. listening to the
stream hitting leaves or tree trunk
or grass or dirt while breathing the
air and thinking about nothing.

earlier this boy was talking about how
he was taking a pee and this transit cop
saw him and started chasing him and he
had to crawl through this pile of chairs
that was in the middle of nowhere to get
away from him. the chairs were all covered with grime, and so then so was he.
when he was starting to get away the
transit cop threw a rock at him. hit
him in the head and he started gushing
blood. 'a transit cop threw a rock at you?'
'or it might have been a normal cop'
'they don't have guns anymore? they just
keep rocks in their holsters to
throw at people?' then he got mad and he swore
he had the papers from court case that
ensued.

there is sadness in my heart, always.

earlier we were eating poprocks and we
could hear what was going on in each
other's mouths. exactly how the sounds
vibrated in each other's skulls. and
we couldn't handle it. the intimacy.

earlier we heard an old woman on a bus
ask the driver if he would wait until
we had walked far enough past the stop
before letting her off. he said ok.

right now i feel so sad for my friend
he's got a poet's heart. but he's no poet.
and there's no poetry in his life. only
a dull comfort he calls love.

my love screams and laughs and cries and smiles and growls and kisses me and hits me and hugs me and fucks me and tickles me and holds me and sings to me and dances with me. and oh do we dance.

our blood moves. our bodies move.

the moon is so beautiful now. but there is sadness in my heart.

i hope all the stars in my sky will sing at my funeral. i hope all the women i've known wear lots of lipgloss
when they come to pay their last respects.

i look over and see a nightlight glowing
orange in the window of the home next door
and i'm not afraid of nothing
except how beautiful you all are

Moi, j'avais jamais rien dit. Rien

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