A. Today this guy I work with told me his best friend was a murderer.

"Really?"

"Yeah, but I don't know if he's cold blooded."

"It was an accident?"

"Well he was in a car, so I don't know."

"So like it was a car accident?"

"Yeah, but I know my friend pretty well, and I don't know if it was an accident."


Q. ..?

A. Once someone who loved me and probably thought I was his best friend got angry at me, because he thought I did something unforgivable. He told me so and that our friendship was over. When he looked at me, his face red and trembling with anger and sadness, expecting me to ask for forgiveness or show some kind of regret, I laughed at him. And I said ok, see you. Just feeling glad that he would stop calling me as I turned and walked away.


Q. ..?

A. I've broken a few hearts. I'm bad at it, though. I always leave some kind of hope pumping through them.


Q. ..?..?

A. I'd like to think I'd be willing to give my life and everything I have to a stranger if the situation warranted it. But I know there are all kind of situations warranting it right now that I ignore because of their distance. Maybe if it was right there, though. All I've given so far is time, money, helping hands, kind words, and smiles. Probably not enough of any of those.


Q. ..?

A. I've cried listening to music. There was another reason to cry, though. The music might have helped.


Q. ..?

A. I idolized my father. He let me down.


Q. ..?

A. Always. A constannt thought in my mind. Death is definitely the first solution I think of to any problems. I think I'm just afraid I'll actually miss something good and beautiful if I kill myself. The sun is just waiting for me to be gone to set the most beautiful way possible, or something. So I talk myself out of it.


Q. ..?

A. Yes. I've felt that kind of love while meditating, when I was on mushrooms, and several times just being alone in nature. Usually only if there's snow. It is the greatest feeling. Probably the real reason I don't kill myself.


Q. ..?..?

A. When I wake up, I am a wreck. Hair is ridiculous, skin is really greasey, and my eyes are usually bloodshot. I need to shower immediately. When I think no one else is going to see me I usually look the same as when people will see me. Maybe I'll comb my hair, or change my t-shirt before I go out. I don't really care, I guess.

Q. ..?

A. I probably can't remember the most embarassing experience of my life, due to drunkeness or stonedness or some combination of the two. I can't think of the most embarassing sober. One time, though, I was on an elevator with a few people I knew and a few people I didn't. We were going down and it stopped on the second floor. So I said, "WHAT KIND OF LAZY ASSHOLE TAKES THE ELEVATOR DOWN ONE FLOOR?" Then the door opened and a guy in a wheelchair rolled in. No one said anything.


Q. ..?

A. My brain lights up at times. Rarely opportune times.


Q. ..?

A. I have felt so bad for someone it hurts, and done nothing. Whether I couldn't or just wouldn't is still up for debate in my mind.


Q. ..?

A. The most hurtful things anyone has said to me: "Please get a knife and kill me." and "You're just the funny boy that I sleep with."


Q. ..?

A. Most love is probably unrequited. The love I've felt has been no exception.


Q. ..?

A. Currently, as usual, I am absolutely lost. Like the song says, though, "the truth about it is my kind of life's no better off if i've got the map or if I'm lost." Unless you're talking about finding actual places. Then, also, I still constantly lose my way in the city I've been living in for fifteen years.


Q. ..?

A. My Mom and I get along ok. We're pretty different, but there are some moments of closeness. Sometimes I wish she would be less crazy and happier, and sometimes I wish I could just put up with her strangeness better and be kinder. My Dad and I had a strange relationship. Mostly because of his drinking, I think. I don't know if I'd say we got along, but there was love. My brother is my best friend in the world. Still, we mostly just talk about music.


Q. ..?

A. Yes. I've kissed people I had no desire to just to avoid hurting their feelings at that moment, and that's always a stupid thing to do.

Q. ..?

A. Maybe I've tried to give away more than I had. I thought I had it at the time.


Q. ..?

A. I have been absolutely broke very very often. It's not so bad. But I've always had a place to sleep.


Q. ..?

A. I've never hated anyone without reason. My reasons are petty and shallow, though.


Q. ..?

A. I have gone five days without food. Only drinking water. Hunger is a holy experience.


Q. ..?

A. I've felt grief. Heart-stopping and breath-stopping and life-stopping grief. I won't get into details.


Q. ..?

A. Most of my act are selfish, and I am aware of this. I try not to act selfishly when I'm aware it hurts others. But still, sometimes.


Q. ..?..?

A. I believe in god. He has appeared before me, spoken to me, and guided me. Even before these things, I could feel his presence in all things.


Q. ..?

A. I've never really had any serious health problems. Once I had some kind of strange flu/cold for a month and a half that wouldn't go away. But I've been lucky, really.


Q. ..?

A. Pretty often, I laugh until I'm exhausted. I don't think I've laughed to tears since I was little a being tickled without mercy by someone. A scene in the movie Henry Fool, and the rice story (which you should ask me to tell you in person) are the two things I've laughed hardest at in years.


Q. ..?

A. The most beautiful thing I've ever seen are a certain pair of eyes...Or maybe the stars this one night...


later...

Q. ..?

A. The first album by The Presidents of the United States of America. Seriously.

Moi, j'avais jamais rien dit. Rien

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