the other day i was walking

and for some reason

i started thinking about how

my friends in grades 5 and 6

and i, we would do stuff like

jump off the highest things we could climb

and see if we'd hurt ourselves

and run across this wooden beam as fast as we could

that was about 15 feet off the ground

while singing the theme to mash

suicide is painless

and we'd pretend to cut our wrists all the time with rulers and scissors

and constantly talked about suicide

and suicide cults

and mass suicides

i remember playing a game called death ball

which involved one person standing against the school wall and from about

ten feet away from the school, everyone would take turns throwing a baseball

at the person as hard as they could

and the person would have to catch it

to get off the wall and become a thrower

we always aimed for the head

it was a small group of friends

like five or so of us

that did these things

not really my best friends

and none of us were really outcasts

but none of us were really popular

and it was never a dark or sad thing

this was what was fun

what was funny

it made us laugh

i know why

Moi, j'avais jamais rien dit. Rien

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