i get to school halfway through my only class, today

spend more time on the train

than there

i go to the food place to get a shwarma sandwich, but decide i'm not hungry

go back to the lab to work, and decide i'm too sleepy

my eyes hurt

i got back home and my mom asks me to cash a check for her

the girl at the bank that i secretly adore

tries to talk to me a bit and i say everything stupid and empty i possibly can

i go home and lay down

listen to a mix cd my brother made

can't fall asleep

pay attention to the words to miss misery for the first time

give up on sleeping

get up for three seconds

give up on everything

lay back down

and wait

for nothing

when it comes

i go and start my program

and talk to some people i like

after a while it's time to go to the film festival with my friend

he shows up half an hour late because he was in an intense game of monopoly against his computer

it doesn't matter, 'cause they won't sell us tickets in advance, anyway

the first film is palestinian

after i adjusted and started to understand

the style and the pace

it was kind of great, but biased

we run into my friend's palestinian friend on the way out

it made her parents cry

a guy outside introduces himself to me as indian joe

he holds out his hand to shake but he doesn't bother to open it up, or squeeze

he's fucked up and about to ask me for money for the train, like he's asked everyone else around

before he commodifies our relationship, a woman he knows says hi, and gives him a bus ticket

we turn to some brilliant young filmmaker from manitoba who was recognized at cannes and my friend went to a speech he gave

he says that that was the best movie he's seen all year

he needs to see more movies

anyway, we leave

it's fucking cold

it shouldn't be this cold yet

i'm drinking tea right now, and i'm still cold

it just turned october

my friend wants to go drink beer with some guys i don't know

and play foosball

so i get him to drop me off at another theatre

and go see a movie

that is all just picasso painting pictures

on this paper that bleeds through

so all you can see are his paintings as they're created

surprisingly not boring at all

and kind of amazing

best part:

"should we do one more?"

"i could do this all night"

"ok, but i've only got 25 minutes of film left, so you'll have to hurry"

"no problem"

picasso then uses up 23 minutes sketching a boquet of roses growing inside of a fish that's swimming inside of a chicken

"ok, i'm ready to start with my ink"

"all right, hurry, we've only got two minutes"

"don't worry"

picasso paints red eyes mouth and nose

over top of his sketch

some blue hair around it

and then paints solid black over everthing that he spent 22 minutes sketching, to make a face

the director is smoking a pipe

and i'd like to think he was enfuriated

i like picasso a lot

it's raining while i walk to the train station

and while i walk to the bus

and while i walk to my house

i'm feeling all right

for the first time in a long time

i talk to my brother for about one second

and go to my friend's house

it's raining pretty hard on the highway

i can't see anything, and i have no idea how fast i'm going

so i decide to see how fast i can go before i get scared

i get scared my car will fall apart

before i get scared of the speed

my friend makes me rice/tapioca bagels with meat and mayonnaise and honey mustard and lettuce and potato chips on them

and hands me a beer

he's one of my favourite human beings in this world

we make each other laugh with a few stories

and watch yet another movie

he falls asleep

i like it

and then leave

feeling truly happy for the first time in months

for no good reason

the stars aren't out and it's stopped raining, but that doesn't really matter

it doesn't last long

but that's ok

the drive home i feel sad, and angry, and lonely

i want somebody to touch my face

as if it were something beautiful

Moi, j'avais jamais rien dit. Rien

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