i'm sorry i bit your breast when you were feeding me when i got my first teeth

i'm sorry when i broke that toy truck i told my mom that you did it so i wouldn't get in trouble

i wish i never peed patterns into our nice white carpet when i was two

i feel terrible about the time i tore that copy of the book about the three billy goats trying to cross the bridge up into shreds and then bit a chunk out of my dad's knee because my mom wouldn't read the whole thing to us in her homerun playschool, and just gave a summary of the the plot instead

i feel like such an asshole for riding my tricycle out in front of a van and making it slam on its brakes then while they were still having a heart attack, turning around and riding back in front of it again just as they started to move

fuck me for laughing at the poor indian boy when his older brother brought him late into kindergarten class and told everyone to be careful 'cause he had diarrhea

i feel bad because once my mom wanted us to go out someplace, i don't remember where, but i wouldn't go and it made her cry

when i was six i didn't say anything when i heard some bullies talking about how they blamed vandalising the school on one of my nerdy friends and he got in trouble for it

they threw rocks at him once too, and i did not try to stand in the way

and that same year, i looked up this girl's dress, i have no idea why, but it was a pretty shitty thing to do

her panties had carebears on them

the next year i laughed when they taught the kid with tourette's syndrome swear words

before that he just barked like a dog and twitched a lot

i feel pretty bad about when i moved to a new school two kids were trying to pick me as their best friend for some writing assignment we had )only because i was the new kid) and i picked the more popular kid even though i liked the other kid better

i apologize for making fun of sarah's voice in grade three because she talked like a baby

god damn me for calling steven "stinky steven" like everyone else and letting him remain friendless

i made fun of one kid because he grunted when he pooped, and i think it made him pretty sad

i'm sorry for once kind of choking my little brother on the bus one day

speaking of the bus, this one time i watched some guys throw a drawing this girl made out the bus window and she started crying, and i thought it was kind of funny, because the drawing sucked

i should not be forgiven for kicking a soccer ball over the fence when the poorest, least popular kid in the school accidentally kicked it at me

well when i had parties i should have invited everyone, not everyone except a select few

one time my friends were calling a girl a dog, and i continued the metaphor by saying she should be spayed and she was standing right there, it was a shitty thing to say even if she wasn't

i definitely should not have dated a girl i didn't like in grade seven

and i definitely not have let everyone know i was relieved when she dumped me

and i most certainly not have let her believe her friends when they told her i called her a bitch and a slut when someone told me that that's why she dumped me

it was wrong for me and my friends to try to push the insane kid that we knew would always snap and turn violent to the edge as often as possible

in grade 8 i let my science project partner do the majority of the work, and then i faked sick the day we were supposed to present, and when it came to dividing up the marks i gave him 60 and me 40 when it probably should have been 80/20

also, his name was t____, and he was fat

there was a crisco box on the counter once, and i said look, a box full of t___

that was just mean, stupid, and not funny

this girl asked me out around then and even though i really liked her i said no and then she cut herself up real bad

then when she dated one of my best friends, he stopped hanging out with us

when they broke up he wanted to be friends again, and i would hear nothing of it

i feel bad about the time at this dance that this girl kept asking me to dance and i told her i had a headache and i felt sick so no, but then i danced with another girl a few minutes later

i shouldn't have laughed really hard when someone in sex ed asked if it normal for your nipples to hurt if you squeezed them really hard

it was awful of me to contribute to harassing our teacher who had just started that year to the point where he quit teaching in grade seven

i wish i never convinced my friend to pour ajax in the fan in our classroom, not because it made everyone mad, but because it made everyone mad at him instead of me

i'm sorry for all of this so far and a lot of other things i haven't written so far

a lot bigger and more important things, too

but it's all dumb shit like that that i still worry about years later

a lot of the time when my dad was drunk, he'd tell me about how when he was 10 these two cooler kids were chasing this less popular kid around the schoolyard

and even though he was better friends with the nerdier kid, he stuck out his leg and tripped him

and the other two kids caught the nerdy kid then and beat the shit out of him

30 years later, then 35 years later, then 40 years later

he was still asking himself why he did it

and still feeling terrible about it all the time

and i feel the same way about so many things,

i couldn't even begin to start to write any small percentage of them

they all seem pretty important and they all come back to me at times

i have done so many people so many wrongs

it makes me feel worthless and constantly afraid of fucking people over or just hurting them

and let's skip years and years of cruelty and ugliness and thousands and thousands of apologies that need to be made that wouldn't ever be good enough

and just get to me saying i'm sorry for not saying goodnight and that i love you last night

Moi, j'avais jamais rien dit. Rien

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